the parable of the good republican

 

(Luke 10:25-37 for a modern audience)


²⁵ And, behold, a certain MBA graduate stood up, and tempted him, saying, Master, what shall I do to inherit vast sums of money from my wealthy parents who manage thine hedge funds?

²⁶ He said unto him, What is written in the books of Trump? how readest thou?

²⁷ And he answering said, Thou shalt endeavour to have thine earnings taxed at the rate for capital gains; and neglect not to make use of the carried interest exemption.

²⁸ And He said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live exceeding well and see many paupers suffer in thy time.

²⁹ But he, willing to justify himself, said unto Jesus, And what of my neighbour, who still labors for salaried wages?

³⁰ And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among a number of large corporate bankers, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

³¹ And by chance there came down a certain liberal that way: and when he saw him, he went off to find governmental authorities to provide assistance.

³² And likewise a Sodomite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and he too went in search of the authorities, but in an exceeding swishy and fruity manner.

³³ But a certain Republican, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had obvious solicitude for him,

³⁴ And went to him, and looked on his wounds, and said, "Thou shouldst appear before a specialist for thine hurts. Hast thou health insurance of surpassing quality?" And, drinking unto himself a cup of wine of exceeding price and taste, he taught the man that the Lord God hath commanded the bankers to do him harm perforce in order to punish the man for homosexual behavior, or for failure to attend the proper house of worship. He suggesteth unto the man that he might borrow copious funds from his forebears to create a business concern, which would then allow him to obtain exceeding generous tax relief from the possible new emperor, who was knownst to be far kinder to job creators than the current ruler. As the Republican aided the man in this fashion, the man crawled himself to an inn and with his last coins secured himself a room, wherein he collapsed unto the bed. But the Republican pointed out that the man should takest the floor and the Republican the bed, for the Republican's charitable givings had been exceeding large in the previous tax year, and such generosity must be justly rewarded,

³⁵ And on the morrow when the Republican departed, he took the man's beast as reasonable payment for the Republican's time and advice, and said unto the innkeeper, "As thou art a business owner, perchance wouldst thou wish to contribute to the Romney/Ryan campaign? Verily I say unto thee that I am a bundler unto this campaign, and wouldst be mightily honored to accept thy donation unto their cause. Believeth me, when thine tax savings accrueth unto thee, thy generosity will be repaid many times over." Thus too did he secure substantial 501(c)(4) donations from those selfsame bankers who had beaten and robbed the now destitute man earlier in this tale.

³⁶ Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the corporate bankers?

³⁷ And he said, He that explained the teachings of Rand and Reagan unto him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.

 

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"let your women keep silence in the churches"

(That's 1 Corinthians 14:34, for those playing at home)

¡Ese torero maravillosa cabriolas poco se lleva una capa roja muy bonita!

Shorter His Eminence "100% all-male heterosexual masculine thunder" Timothy Michael Cardinal Dolan, Ph.D., D.D., SWCM ISO G*M, Cock Bar NYC 

"Love and Gratitude for the Sisters" 

It is because we deeply and truly honor the devotion and service of our Catholic sisters so much that we can tell them to shut the fuck up about poors and stop looking at us funny anytime we're in the same room as an underage boy, or Jesus is going to send their stupid bitch asses straight to hell.

Most of it is boilerplate "some of my best friends are Negroes/homos/camel jockeys/etc."-style buttering up, but by the end he wants you to know that, goddamnit, these nuns have been nice and all, but when did they start flapping their yaps without permission?

Contrary to what you may have heard, Rome loves the Sisters!  When you love someone, you show concern.  And, recently, the Vatican expressed some concerns about the Leadership Conference of Women Religious (LCWR), a group that represents a lot of Sisters.

Right! See? We here at NAMBLA Worldwide love us some lady-folk. We're just concerned that they might have started thinking for themselves, is all, and we know that nobody wants that, so let's just nip it in the bud, am I right?

That expression of concern contained high praise for the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, and even higher esteem for all the nuns in America.  The concord between the Holy See (which asked for and initiated the Leadership Conference of Women Religious  half-a-century ago) is strong enough for both sides to ask tough questions.

For example, the nuns ask: "Why are you guys spending all your time obsessing over men having sex with each other? And what are you doing with that boy there in the janitor's closet?" And then the bishops ask, "Bitch, who the fuck told you that you were allowed to speak?" It's the strength of the concord that allows such tough questions to be asked.

But the concern is real:  the Holy See loves the Sisters so much they want them as strong, faithful, and influential as possible, and legitimately worries about features threatening their very identity as “daughters of the Church,” to borrow Elizabeth Ann Seton’s favorite description of her sisters.

...and like any other daughter, we want them to exhibit that strength and faith by doing and saying only what we tell them to do and say, and only when we tell them to do or say it. It's called "equality."

Some say that Rome is too soft, and should have suppressed the Leadership Conference of Women Religious , because it is heretical; one letter even called them “Unitarians”!

Yes, "some say." You sisters wouldn't want "them" to get the wrong idea, right?

The other extreme claims that the stuffy, oppressive, sexist Vatican is scared of these independent, free-thinking women, and should leave them alone.

But, I mean, the Vatican? Sexist? How can we be sexist when we spend so much time trying to help you gals out with all those important doings up in your uteri? We know you can't handle that shit on your own, baby, so we're here to tell you what to do and take that weight off your shoulders.

But such caricatures hardly help.  All that helps is humility in both partners, and a profession of faith that, in the end, it’s not about one side or the other, not about the grievances of the Leadership Conference for Women Religious or the worries of the Vatican, but it’s all about Jesus and His Church.

Which, you know, He didn't appoint no Holy Mother to run it, see what I mean?

If the Sisters can survive the battlefields of the Civil War, they’ll survive the dramatic changes of the last five decades, and the current examination by Rome.

Yeah, you little ladies will be OK. Just stop thinking and everyone will be fine. OK, sweetie, you run along now. There's a good girl.

And what is never in question is our love and gratitude for the Sisters!

Gosh, that's swell, but the question we really had was: are you guys ever going to stop raping children and then covering it up?

Hello? Anything? Anybody there?

(I apologize profusely to Sadly, No! for stealing basically their entire format.)